Living Through Grief

I had this pasted Friday planned out in perfectly in my head, Nicky would get home from work at 7:15 and get the kids ready for school, and then we would then drop the kids off at school and depart to the OBGYN's office for Nicky's 8:45 appointment to have the ultrasound to find out the sex of your expected baby. We have been waiting for 2 months on pins and needles to find out what we were going to have in July. We were excited to see what little baby was hiding between the legs and were hoping for an illicit peep show to get a good look. I could then take Nicky to Gandolfo's and get a celebratory breakfast sandwich with my sweetheart and keep the sex of the baby secret until I was able to take the kids out to dinner to celebrate later in the evening. Honestly a perfect day in my mind, spending time with the love of my life and my little family, celebrating new life and new love in our family.  Sometimes things just don't turn out the way you have imagined.

Ultrasound techs generally have a great job, they get to reveal future plans for cribs, cloths and colors to excited expectant parents, and sometimes they have to deliver unpleasant news. As Jay, the tech, was taking measurements of the baby to see how far along it was, he could tell there was something wrong, the usual vascular areas that paint the ultrasound screen with brilliant reds and blues was black and gray, no blood was moving through our baby's system, and when he saw the head was shaped like an egg instead of the typical round shape, it was a sure sign that something had happened to the tiny creation. He continued to take measurements that were necessary to determine the age of the fetus as he knew it would be harder to do after he delivered the tragic news. He told us that the baby had died 7-10 days earlier judging from where the baby should be in its development.

As he broke the news to Nicky and I that the baby was no longer alive, our hearts dropped through the floor. How did this happen? Why are we going through this at this time? Did we do something wrong? Why? The reassuring voice of the tech stating unequivocally that there was nothing that we could have done to have harmed the baby was only a little consolation to two devastated parents.  We had tried for years to get pregnant again, Nicky and I wanted to have a baby so badly that when it happened we were so happy we had to tell everyone right away. When you do that, you always have a risk of miscarriage and the disappointment of it. Once you make it through the first two office visits to the doctor, you think you are safe, if you take care of yourself, eat right, and take your prenatal vitamins you only have to wait for that magic day two months later when you find out what the sex is, we found out Friday that is not the case.

As Nicky’s doctor came into the exam room at his office to help us deal with the loss and explain our options, I could tell that even though this was not the first time that he had to deliver this type of news, it never is easy to do. He explained that Nicky could continue to carry the baby and that nature would take its course and expel the baby in its own due time, or that we could go in to the hospital and have an induced labor and delivery. He explained that he was going to be at Utah Valley for the weekend, that he was the doctor on duty in Maternity and that if we wanted to, we could do it Saturday, that it would take a few hours, but that we could have it behind us by the evening.

Nicky and I came home and as she cried I held her in my arms and cried as well.  I had to make some of the hardest phone calls in my life that day. Grandma and Granny were the first to get the horrific news, their concern for Nicky was apparent in their voices, the outpouring of love they had for my sweetheart was conveyed in the trouble in their voices.  Grandma Hill told me that as soon as Grandpa was home from his service assignment at the temple in Twin Falls they would leave Burley and that they would be here as quickly as they could get here. Nicky really needed her Diana mom to be with us, and she needed her dad’s reassuring hug around her neck.  I knew that Nicky would want her father to give her a blessing and I could not wait to help him do it.

By 11:00 Nicky had fallen asleep her body was drained from staying awake all night at work and crying all morning. I left to go pick up Ethan from school.  Ethan was so excited to find out if he was going to have a brother or sister, he didn’t really care which, he just wanted to be a big brother.  The first words out of his mouth were “What’s the baby?” Tears welled up in my eyes and I told him that we had to talk about it.  I decided I had to tell him right away, because he could tell something was wrong by the way I was acting.  I told him that there was a problem with the baby and that is died inside of moms tummy, he asked in disbelief “What?” I told him again that there something happened, we do not know what, but something happened to the baby and that it died.  He broke down in tears and wrapped his arms around my neck asking me “You mean I don’t get to be a big brother?” I had to tell him “Not yet buddy, not yet” He came home and hugged his mom and lay with her on her bed until he felt like he could not anymore.

I tried to immerse myself in work for the first part of the afternoon as to not think about the misfortune that had come into our lives; Ethan would occasionally come into my office and hug me then leave the room with his head hung down.  I could tell he had been crying and that even though he is only 5, he understands what happened, and he is doing his best to be strong for his mom and dad.

At 2:40 Nicky was still asleep, Ethan was playing on the floor in the family room and I told him I was going to go get Sarah from school. As I left the house, I asked Ethan not to tell Sarah anything about what had happened until I got a chance to talk to her, I knew he would want to give his big sister a hug to help ease her grief. As I arrived at Canyon to pick up Sarah she was already waiting by the half circle with her best friend Abbie, they were both about ready to explode in anticipation as Sarah come running to Cosmo and opened the door exclaiming “What is the baby?” I could see Abbie waiting impatiently to find out and I told Sarah we had to talk about it, she pressed me for an answer and I again told her we needed to talk about it and that she needed to get into the car, she shut the passenger door and ran to tell Abbie that I would not tell her, came and silently slid into her seat, it was the quietest ride home I have ever had with Sarah, she was silent as she knew something was wrong.

Sarah came into the house and put her book bag in her room, I followed her in and sat on her bed, she climbed up on my lap and told her the same things I had told Ethan only a few hours before.  Sarah burst into tears and buried her head on my shoulder asking me why it happened. I had no answer for her, I still don’t know. She sobbed in my arms for 5 minutes before she went to lay down with her mommy and shed many more tears in her arms. Sarah is such a worrier that I pray she does not compartmentalize this and take it with her in her life. Nicky and I have to be very careful to watch her and help her understand that she needs to express her emotions and not keep things inside and let them fester up. We pray for the guidance to help the little minds of our children understand.

At about 3, Nicky tried to call the doctor’s office and talk to Dr. Ludlow to tell him that she wanted to proceed with things over the weekend to try and get things behind her as quickly as she could, while she was on the phone the receptionist initially did not know who she was and said that Dr. Ludlow was busy and asked her who she was, in the emotional state Nicky was in, she broke down and handed the phone to me. When the phone came off hold, Dr. Ludlow confirmed that we had decided to move forward and he would make the arrangements at the hospital we needed.

Nicky’s mom and dad arrived at about 11 PM. It was a long day for her father whom had spent the entire day at the temple in the service of the Lord. As soon as he got here, he offered to use his Priesthood Authority to give her Nicky a blessing. The Lord promised Nicky that everything would be fine through her father. The words were a comfort to both Nicky and I as I had my hands on her head.  Tears streamed down both of our faces as blessings were asked in behalf of the hospital staff and doctors that would be helping in this ordeal. I love Nicky’s dad, he is a great man and example to me. I could not have wished for a better pair of in-laws than Merlin and Diana. The compassion we feel from them is amazing and we are thankful to have them in our lives.

While we were at Dr. Ludlow’s office, he gave Nicky 2 doses of Cytotic, a cervix ripening drug, to take incase we wanted to advance the delivery of the baby.  One dose was to be taken at 8 PM and one at 4 AM. As I heard Nicky’s alarm at 4 AM I realized I was not going to be able to sleep anymore that night.  The angst had built inside me and my brain was not able to relax enough to allow me to sleep again.  I watched Nicky sleep until her phone rang at 6:23 with a call from L&D telling us to come in; they were ready to have us.

Everyone at the hospital was tremendous, the nurses were amazing and Nicky asked them a lot of questions about nursing school. Chelsee was the first nurse of the day; she was so nice to us, always asking what we needed. She was very direct when it came to her experience with miscarriages and stillborns, she did not have an personal experience to draw from, she had never had one and repeatedly expressed that she had no idea what we were going through losing a baby like this. Even though she lacked the empathy she thought she desperately wanted, we could feel her sincere care for our well being.

Katherine, the next nurse, was in the same position, she had never lost a baby and the magic “I know exactly what you are going through.” words could not fall from her mouth either.  As she helped Nicky throughout the day, I could see her genuine concern for Nicky and her feelings, Katherine was so attentive to Nicky’s needs, it was hard when she said it was shift change and that she would be leaving.  Nicky asked me to call for her before she left because she had felt some unusual pressure in her pelvic region, Dr Ludlow had ordered larger doses of Cytotic be placed directly on the cervix, and they had worked to soften it. Things were happening just as Dr. Ludlow had suggested, at a very quick rate, and though we had been at the hospital for nearly 15 hours, it seemed to me like we had just got there. Katherine checked Nicky’s cervix and felt the breach baby’s feet starting to come out with the sack in tact. Katherine quickly set up the crash cart and brought in Nicky’s third nurse, Kristen, to help.

Dr. Ludlow was in surgery across the hall and quickly came to the room to asses the situation, finally at 10 PM, as Dr. Ludow arrived; the entire placenta and amniotic sack came out of Nicky’s body. A blessing for what was one of the longest days of her life. Dr. Ludlow examined the tiny body for signs of what could have possibly gone wrong, the body was perfect for an 18 week old baby, the feet, legs, hands and arms were all perfect. Though we cannot tell for certain, I believe that the baby lost a battle with the umbilical cord; it was around the baby’s neck 4 times.  Matthew Christopher Doerr never had a chance to live in this life. 

We have a mold of his hands and a mold of his feet. The foot prints, hand prints, and castings will be what we remember him by until we have a chance to meet him again in the next life. We are thankful for our belief in the life to come; we are thankful that we believe we will see this child again, that he will be a part of our family forever. We are thankful we do not say “’til death do us part.” Rather that “Families are forever.” It gives us hope for the world to come, to know that we exist with a loving Father in Heaven that knows us and knows what we are going through; he sacrificed his only begotten son so that we could all live with him again someday. Look to Christ and live. He is our Rock, our Saviour, and our Redeemer.

I have a firm belief that things happen for a reason. I have a firm belief that Nicky’s is going to be a great nurse someday. I have a firm belief that because of this experience, Nicky is going to have the empathy that someone is going to need from her someday. I don’t know if Nicky will work L&D, if she does, she will be awesome! Though it is hard to not be sad right now, I know that we will both use this experience in our lives someday to make something easier for someone else; after all I believe that is why we are here in the first place.